no, i'm not dead

i'm just a little stressed-out.

the last 10 days or so have included going into work early, staying late, dreaming about it at night, and, now, working on saturdays.

i know it sounds very unlike me to even spend a few seconds every day to use company resources to put my random ramblings out on the web, but if my lack of posting is any proof, i'm actually, factually busy - not just pulling it out of my ass.

proof - i had two totally fucked-up dreams this last week... note, i NEVER dream, and when i do, i never remember them aftwards... this is true proof that i'm stressed.

dream #1 - i was a mafia hit man "for hire." which basically meant i wasn't part of the mafia, they just hired me to kill people for them... my code name was "BIG FISH"... yes, with the caps and all.

dream #2 - i had sex with a female co-worker. i know... ew. no more description is necessary, point taken.

i promise i'll write, or try to write, more this next week. as a matter of fact, i teach on tuesday and wednesday which almost guarantees that i'll have a tad bit of time during class activities to "play" online = )

have a super weekend everyone!

am i a bad homo?

today is outfront minnesota's glbt lobby day and 'gathering' at the capital to protest the impending marriage ammendment.

i work 5 block from the capital and i'm not going.

i'm emotionally exhausted. i'm 'marriage ammendment depressed'. i'm tired of protesting the inevitable. and i'm sick-to-my-stomach and have zero-tolerance for absolutly anyone who remotely acts like they are not sure how they feel about gay marriage when their 'unsure' feelings aren't based in religion.

i guess i'm just at the point where i don't want to think about it anymore. it seriously makes me want to cry... you know, when a co-worker who has a gay brother-in-law with a long-time partner says that he's not sure what he thinks about gay marriage. or when someone calls me a friend and then says that the oppose it.

i just don't understand it...

the game of life

every once in a while when i'm bored (usually when i'm sitting on the toilet and i don't have anything to read) i play a little game... i pull all the change out of my pocket and look at the years on the coins, then i try to remember what i was doing at this time during that year. here are the results of today's game:

1996 dime
april 1996 - rexford, kansas - 17 years old
it's april... one month till graduation and then i'll be free! i'll be going to college at grace university in omaha, nebraska... i'm so excited!!! i'm probably going to major in pastoral ministries or music, i haven't decided yet. i'm 3rd in my graduating class... i just found this out. turns out the top three in my class were all about 1/100th of a point apart, i was really hoping that i could be validictorian or salutitorian, but oh well, soon i'll be out of here and living in the big city living with other christians who desire to be in ministry as much as i do.

1998 quarter
april 1998 - omaha, nebraska - 19 years old
it's april... one month and my college choir will be heading out for a month-long tour down the eastern coast of australia!!! it'll be my second trip to austraila and i'm totally stoked because i'll be able to go to sydney which i didn't do the first trip there. it's my sophomore year in college and a busy one. this year i became a part of the "elite" musical group, the ambassadors. there's five of us that tour around the midwest and sing at churches to advertize our school, it's a ton of fun, excellent experience, and all around a blessing to my spiritual life.

2001 dime
april 2001 - woodbury, minnesota - 22 years old
it's april... six months ago i moved up here to the twin cities to start a new job and to move in with my wonderful boyfriend, brian. just a month ago we bought a townhome in woodbury, a suburb of the twin cities. i also just bought a piano, a beautiful ebony upright yamaha... amazing sound, i love her so much. i'm doing the bulk of the moving-in this weekend because brian's on a ski trip w/ some college buddies, next weekend we'll move all the big stuff in a truck. we recently found an amazing church, mount olive lutheran in south minneapolis. we've been going there since december, i'm sure we'll be going there for a while too, we really like it there, it's strengthened both of our spiritual lives in amazing ways.

current time, no coin, just the vantage point from which i view my life
april 2005 - saint paul, minnesota - 26 years old
it's april... for the first time in many aprils there's not much going on in my life. i'm single, i'm still teaching, and i'm looking to buy a house this fall/winter. my spiritual life has flourshed as i've become more and more involved with my church, not only do i attend and read occasionally, but i'm now also an adult acolyte and an assistant minister. my life has changed SO much since april 1996, but i can confidently say that i'm in the best april of my life so far... life moves fast around you and things change. i don't even remember what my graduation gpa was, i have been separated from brian for over 2 years now, and i'm selling the piano i just paid-off (mainly because mom and dad gave me the family piano and i have no need for two).

its fun to look back... play the game... you'll be amazed at how easy and difficult it can be to look back on your life - but almost 100% of the time it's rewarding.

happy monday!

pope dreams...

first of all, i couldn't fall asleep last night. i could have been the coffee i had at 8pm, or it could have simply been that i wasn't tired - either way, i couldn't sleep.

i was really excited about my new down comforter and the really cool red duvet i got this weekened too - my bed feels so different, so cozy, so warm.

then when i finally did start to doze i was thirsty, or hungry (i didn't eat dinner last night), or i had to go to the bathroom. i even got up at midnite and watched tv, i can't even remember what i watched.

i think i was sleeping later in the night when the strangest dream came to me... i was hangin' out with the cardinals in rome, you know, picking-out a new pope. i was starting to get really friendly with this one guy (not in a gay way, in a very buddy-buddy way, although he WAS very cute), and wouldn't you know it... he got chosen to be the next pope!

the facinating thing, though, was the demeanor behind the scenes in the vatican. the cardinals weren't all "oh, holy art thou, we much choose a holy father from our ranks, lets be all solemn and holy-ish..."

no!

instead, they were all, "hey! how are doin?" "man, i haven't seen you like, forever!"

and when my new friend became the new pope, everyone was cheering and like going crazy like in the lockerroom of the super bowl winners... and this was just the cardinals!

it was really cool though, i was, like SO excited that i was there and a part of this new pope thing... my new friend (who happened to be the new pope also) turned around and even gave me a special blessing for being his friend... i knelt before him and bowed my head, and we all laughed and giggled because we were so excite that this guy was the new pope!

i just remember thinking that i was SO cool, i mean, the pope was a friend of mine!

i know... what a strange dream! and i'm not even catholic!!!