whoa

as many of you know, i consider myself a "christian spiritualist." the "spiritualist" part comes from my belief that biblical christianity is not the ONLY way to the divine spiritual being (aka, the universe). and "christian" from the fact that i was raised christian and choose to carry out part of my spiritual lifestyle in the liturgical worship of a christian church.

it's holy week, and today, specifically, is the second day of the triduum, "the three days."

i went to service last night and meditated and prayed before it. i do this before most every servie and like so many services before, i asked god (the universe) to bless me through the service, to comfort me, and to open my eyes and teach me something.

people... be careful what you ask the universe for - it may just give it to you.

at the beginning of the service was an absolution [forgiveness] of sins. as i was kneeling i racked my brain for things i had done that i wanted forgivenss for. in the past i'd have asked for forgiveness for things like "lusting after men," "masturbating," or "having sex with a man." but i no longer live my life in the shackles of a deeply flawed fundamentalism-based christianity - this leaves me with loads of other sins to confess. = )

as is normal lately, i found my mind wandering away from forgiveness and the service and started thinking about my move, job, school *blah, blah, blah* and i started stressing out. it was in that moment that i realized my biggest sin as of late.

tom's sin: not trusting the universe.

my ENTIRE life has been an exercise in learning to trust the universe and the universe in turn providing me with love and strength through the journey. case(s) in point:

• being outed at bible college and being asked to leave.
  
• moving to a brand new city and job.
  
• leaving a 2 1/2 year relationship.
  
• leaving an abusive relationship.

the list could go on an on but you get the point. here i was, looking for sins and getting distracted on how i can't keep control of my life's stresses right now. the answer was right in front of my face.

I CAN'T CONTROL MY LIFE'S STRESSES ON MY OWN!!!

i felt just terrible. here i was, basking in the glory of the universe but not even trusting it with my biggest fears. i was embarassed to say the least.

i spent the next few minutes apologizing and reconciling with my creator... and then i resolved that from that moment on i was going to trust in something greater than myself... i was going to put my trust in the universe rather than myself.

changes were made... a life was changed... and blessings, believe it or not, have already been received.

whether or not you're christian and celebrating easter this weekend... i hope that you'll find time to settle down with the universe or your inner power and make peace with it. life sure is shitty when things are out of balance.