2 bribones tras la esmeralda perdida

yeah yeah yeah... i know. but i have a good excuse this time.

picture it, december 2006. a lovely, homosexually-inclined, bitter corporate american sits in his cage reading his email... an email that will end blogging as he knows it: "effective next week we will be installing a new filter on the system and all the following types of sites will be blocked." blogger.com is one of them.

i can't see nor write my blog from work any more... and for those of you know don't realize it, most of my blogging happens when i'm sitting in my cage waiting for the day to end. what is a homosexually-inclined person like myself supposed to do???

when i go home i usually do homework, watch simpsons, eat, then do more homework (i do other things too but my sister reads this blog and i'm sure she doesn't want to hear about her brother crankin' off... oh shit... sorry sis *grin*).

long story short, i'm blogging now.

OMG! i watched for the first time tonight romancing the stone. i cried... michael douglas has NEVER made me feel "that way" before... i love the 80's.

ok, back to studying. i can't promise much, but i surely desire to blog more frequently... lets see how good i can be with that.

*hugs*

to amos, with love

watching a 13 year old while his mother is at a school meeting = FREE

spending time with your 13 year old "pseudo-son" = FUN

helping a 13 year old with algebra when he could care less = OHMYFUCKINGODWHERE'STHENEARESTPENCILFORMETOPOKEINMYEYE

for those parents who have teenagers, i truly respect and love you. i will give you the tightest hug whenever i see you next.

for those parents who have children younger than teenagers, i'm storing up hugs for you starting today... payable beginning on the 13th birthday of your spawn.

for those parents who have children past their teens, you're probably partying pretty hard right now... please let me know where you are so i can come over and raise a gin martini to your success.

i love kids, and especially "my" 13 year old for the fun i have with him but also for showing me what it's like to be a parent and for helping me understand a little bit better how you can love someone so much and still want to thump them on the forehead and say "WHY DON'T YOU CARE??? CARE!!!"

i love you amos... here's your first "teen years" hug: *hug*

happy holiday *jab*

in december of every year a tension rises between belief systems all over the world over the usage of terminology of the particular holidays people celebrate.

merry christmas?

happy chanukah?

cool yule?

happy kwanza?

or the blanket, happy holidays!

when did the acknowledgement that there was more than one holiday at this time of year become so offensive? when did grouping the holidays together in one greeting to cover everyone's holiday cheer become a term that causes people's blood to boil.

i blame the christians. really, i do.

in a country that is primarily christian i've found that the people most offended by "happy holidays" are christians. they're offended because they feel that "happy holidays" is denying the existance of their christmas, that it somehow is meant to ignore christmas, that it's meant to piss them off. well my dear friends, YOU'RE pissing me off.

we don't live in a christian country - we live in a country where the christians believe that they're deserved of a christian nation... personally, a christian nation scares the shit out of me.

i'm not offended by "merry christmas" but i'm definately more attracted to "happy holidays" because it acknowledges that not everyone in this country loves jesus so much that they worship him via boxoffice, vote him into office, or lick the soles of james dobson.

really folks, is it SO terrible to wish EVERYONE the happiest during their holiday - i guess it is, especially if your holiday just so happens to be the wrong one.

300th post!!!

*** i just noticed that this is my 300th post! and how appropriate, it's about shitting! ***

question: what do the following things have in common?

• pooping
  
• peeing
  
• that-time-of-the-month-ing
  
• farting
  
• burping
  
• boob adjusting
  
• ball itching

answer: they're all things that our bodies MUST do to survive or they're things we MUST do in order to be comfortable in our bodies... and they're all things that we're not allowed to do unless we're in private.

begin rant: why the hell are we so ashamed of the things that we HAVE to do in order to survive? i mean, every human farts. every human poops. every human pisses. every human has to burp or fart at some time. and every human just needs to scratch, itch, and move-it-a-little-to-the-left sometimes. yet we get looked at like we're the most rude person on this celestial ball if we do it outside of our own private universe.

i've even seen people talk about how inappropriate it is to fart loudly in the bathroom... IN THE BATHROOM!?!?!? WHERE ELSE AM I GONNA FART!?!?!

my wish for this yule season isn't for peace on earth or food for every starving child...

i want to be able to fart in a meeting without being embarrassed because everyone else in the meeting understands that i just had to do it otherwise i'd have terrible stomach cramps.

i want to be able to scratch my balls while teaching without being thought of as a perve because my students understand that sometimes, underwear can really be uncomfortable when it bunches-up.

i want to stop hearing my sisters talk about taking dumps in stalls that are next to each other and how funny it was... i want to be in the stall next to them laughing my ass off that one of them just let out a huge fart.

really folks... why are humans such freakin' prudes?

so anyway... 300th post... my gift to you... have a cool yule!

on blogs and killer orgasms

you know what i really HATE? when you write up an awesome post and use the ever-so-convenient "email" option to email your post to blogger and it bounces back... without your sent message attached so you can at least copy and paste it directly into the site.

boo - hiss

and then you think about writing the post again but the energy just isn't the same. energy is like a killer orgasm, it's only temporary - once it's done it's done. and i mean "killer" as in KICK-ASS, AMAZING, TINGLING... not an orgasm that kills you.

speaking of orgasms that kill you... the other day i was talking to a fairly new friend of mine and she mentioned how she had an INCREDIBLE session of sex w/ her [stunningly gorgeous] husband and afterwards he went to the bathroom and passed out on the tile floor. her face had pure terror in it as she told us that she seriously thought she had killed her husband. and then she followed it with "but at least he had a smile on his face."

thank the GODS that he didn't die... he's a breathlessly HOT canadian dentist who lives in the cities with his equally GORGEOUS and brilliant wife (my new friend).

so there... another post - not the same as the original, but equally as fun and raunchy!

rites of winter

rites of winter, everybody's got them. you know, those moments that make you stop and think "*gasp* that's the first [insert rite here] of winter! man i LOVE winter!"

my rites of winter (in no particular order):

• the first snowfall
  
• the first sub-zero temperature (NOT counting wind chill)
  
• wearing your stocking hat in the coffee shop
  
• wearing gloves for the first time
  
• the first time your nostrils freeze together
  
• days without sunshine
  
• the moment you realize your car is warmed-up enough that you can take your gloves off
  
• static electricity

it's all so fantastic, so refreshing, so alive. i don't get it, people complaining about winter... to me it's the earth finally saying to us "see here you little shit... i DO have control over you!" and all you can do is lean back, put another blanket on the bed, put another shot of whiskey in your coffee, and say "have at it, jack frost."

it's nice to give up control every once in a while, isn't it? *grin*

the better person

i have every reason in the entire universe to be the biggest BITCH today.

but i choose to rise above my trials.

i have every reason in the whole of corporate america to be an ASS HOLE this very minute.

but i choose to be the stronger employee.

i have every right in the world to be PISSED OFF BEYOND BELIEF as i write this.

but i choose to let my irritabilities disapperate.

i choose to take a deep breath, recognize that some things you just can't control, remember that everyone is allowed their opinion, that everyone makes mistakes, that sometimes the best thing to do is walk away, that silence is truly golden, that gossip ultimately hurts someone, and that this evening holds the promise of a warm and cozy bed for me to rest in at which time i can let this day finally fizzle away into mere memories in my mind.

jesus is NOT the reason for the season

from healinghappens.com:

"Yule (~ Dec 21) marks the longest night of the year -- the triumph of the dark half of the year. Night and darkness have reached their apex and the Wheel turns to restore balance. The dawn heralds the return of the sun, bringer of light, warmth, and growth. In the days following Yule, the sun’s power grows steadily, encroaching upon the night, pushing back the darkness.

"The darkness of this longest night holds many lessons. One of the most powerful is the awareness that hope and light spring forth from deepest darkness. Here, indeed, is the message “that the darkest hour comes just before the dawn”. As we wait quietly in the darkness, we honor the stillness and the mystery of the night, and light the Yule log to summon the sun’s return. In the summoning of the sun, we work in partnership with Nature to preserve balance. Similarly, when faced with difficult challenges in our lives, we are partners with the Universe in manifesting hope out of despair."

it no wonder that early christians grabbed onto the sacred pagan holiday of yule. the very holiday itself focuses on the darkness of the earth and the approaching sun. christian's around the world use this sacred sacred pagan holiday and bastardize it by inserting their own god in it's place. jesus is the "sun" that breaks through the longest dark night of humanity. on christmas eve they sit in darkness (as pagans still do while celebrating yule a few days earlier) and await the "sun" of god to appear to slowly bring light to a [spiritually] dying race of man.

jesus, my friends, is NOT the reason for the season... jesus unfortunately lost his true birthday to a race of god-seeking men who couldn't stand the fact that someone believed differently than they did.

it's a shame, really...

christmas time in the city

the park that my apartment looks over has been covered in gorgeous christmas lights. the glow makes my entire apartment glow but it's well worth it... i love christmas.

here's some pics... they're not too clear cause i'm a stupid-camera-person who can't figure out my stupid camera. oh well = )

pics!

pics too!

the old man and the sauce

ok... THIS story is quite possibly the highlite of my life. really.

picture it, chicago, 2006. i'm on the red-line train heading south to my hotel (notice how all the good stories are on the train?). i'm surrounded by drunk kids dressed-up for the myriad of halloween parties in the city. on the last bench in the train there is a bum. he's alone on his bench and has about five pairs of pants on, each one pulled down slightly farther than the next reaching all the way to his knees. he has an american flag and a bottle of hot sauce. yes, hot sauce.

he has three teeth that are visible and is mumbling to himself. noone wants to stare so we mind our own business and take glances at him when we get the chance. my diversion: a book. believable and easy to look over the top edge without being obvious.

there is a rustling in the train so i look up. everyone is staring at the bum who has taken the cap off of his hot sauce and has proceeded to shake it onto the train floor in a large arching circle around him... ALL the way around him. he finishes his strange ritual by sprinkling a bunch on the empty seat next to him. put hot sauce cap back on... sit back with flag and continue mumbling.

um... ok. i can deal with this... back to the book.

another rustling. look up. this time the bum is drinking hot sauce directly out of the bottle. he smacks his lips like it's the best thing he's ever tasted. then he looks out the window and lets out a blood curdling scream. he just screams and screams. any decent human would be concerned for the guy, but the rest of us ass-holes on the train look at him and start laughing. a kid hands him a cigarette and a lite. the bum lights up and starts smoking. THIS, of course, is funny too because it's illegal to smoke on the train.

soon enough, as probably could have been guessed, the hot sauce comes out again as the bum sprinkles it on his cigarette. finally someone speaks to him and says, "that's good stuff, huh?" to which he says "yeaaaaaahhhhhhh."

case solved: hot sauce is good.

life goes on until the bum's index finger all of a sudden points up in the air dramatically as both the bum and all the rest of "us" stare at it, wondering what it's going to do next. the finger goes around a little bit making a track in the air and then breaks sequence suddenly and plunges into a big pool of hot sauce on the floor of the train. it was HILLAROUS watching everyone's eyes follow this "bouncing ball" all over the place and then suddenly land on the hot sauce puddle. the finger stays in the puddle as all of just stare. then, ever so slowly, the finger rises up and goes straight into... yeah... the bum's mouth. he smacks his lips yet one more time and says "ahhhhhhhh."

thinking things couldn't get any better for a blog posting, he then pulls out a welfare-ish check and starts to write all over the back of it with his pen. some guy on the train stopped him to tell him to only endorse it on the top but the bum yelled at the kid and said that he was just writing his name. without warning the pen's tip goes straight into the air and nose dives straight into the same puddle of hot sauce on the ground that the finger was in not five minutes ago. the pen stays in the puddle for a while before slowly being lifted back to the check to write his name more times on the back with "hot sauce ink."

i'm about to say i really like this guy, till he pulls out a large poster of queen nefertiti (yeah, the egyptian one) and starts to scream on top of his lungs about how the white man fucked her over and how she's got screwed and such.

cue the "i don't like him any more... he's just CRAZY now" music.

i mean... how crazy can you get? the white man screwed over queen nefertiti??? man oh man... nothing's crazier than that.

geeze louise...

the train of death, part due

on friday i met up with my friend nic who moved to chi-town a couple months ago. our goal: drink and eat and drink.

our first stop was the hancock building. NOW... you can pay $15 or something like that to visit the observation deck on the 94th floor OOORRR you can take a free ride up to the 96th floor and drink at their awesome restaurant/bar/lounge up there... now... which would you choose? paying $$$ for screaming kids and tourists or paying $$$ for drinks HIGHER than the tourists, with a BETTER VIEW than the tourists, and a much more suave atmosphere??? you choose.

anyway, nic and i had to take the red line train north of the loop to get to the building so we jumped on a train and LIKE A FUCKIN' BRICK WALL we were on the GD train of death AGAIN!. i, being way more obnoxious about it this time, said "this fuckin' train??? i was on this damn train last night!" to which nic replied "JESUS, i was on this train yesterday afternoon." so we looked at each other and said "fuckit" and moved into the other train.

i can't tell you how proud i was that i stood up for myself (and said "fuck" so proudly and loudly in a public place). i was beaming while the other stupid lemmings stayed behind and watched nic and i sneak through the "emergency" doors into the train behind ours. only one or two people followed us, and the train was way fuller than when i was on it the night before.

when we got on the other car everyone looked at us and started laughing. yeah... most of that car had crammed into it as refugees from the train of death.

and there, folks, is a story of one man's maturation from lemming to leader. well, more like loud-mouthed-show-off-leader *grin*

the train of death

i know many bad smells... MANY:

• poop
  
• pee
  
• b.o.
  
• bad breath
  
• ass-rot
  
• rotton food
  
• slaughtered animals
  
• belly button lint
  
• vomit
  
• "asparagus" piss
  
• lesbian

but when i got on the south-bound red-line train on thursday night i ran into an odor so hideous, so amazingly putrid, so beautifully evil that i could do nothing but think it had to be the one thing that i think i really don't know... dead human body.

i swear to all that is holy that someone died and rotted for at least seven and a half hours in that train car. i think the others in the train would have agreed w/ me too.

what did i do? did i go to a new car? did i sneak to the next train or just wait on the platform for the next train?

no... like a fuckin' lemming i sat on the train of death and covered my nose and mouth.

i can't tell you how many people got on the train and did the same as me... dumb asses. but the people i was the most impressed with were some drunk and VERY obnoxious kids that got on the train, spilled more expletives than i could even muster up (imagine that...) and at the next stop got out and ran up to the next train.

i have to say, i was very impressed with those kids and was pretty jealous that i hadn't stood up for my own nose and done the same.

the tipsy plane

i've made it through security and am ready to blow this joint only to find out that my flight has been delayed by half an hour. no problem, it gave me time to grab some food, eat, and... yes... study. it also gave me time to admire the bountiful beauty of cute guys aparantly going to chicago as well *grin*

when i FINALLY got on the plane i was pleasantly surprised to see that i would be spending my flight next to one of the cuter of the guys i had noticed earlier... tommie happy.

we ignored each other for the first part of the flight, that's what guys do (it's universal regardless if you're gay or straight). but when the drink cart came along and i ordered gin and the flight attendant gave it to me for free (cause she said i was "so damn cute"... no lie... that's exactly what she said!) his ears perked-up. he got himself a drink and of course she gave him the drink free too cause he was "so damn cute" (those were my words, not hers - lol). we started talking.

the conversation started with the typical "going home or leaving home" and merged into "what do you do." no sooner had we figured out that he works for the financial planning subsidiary for my company and the conversations just went wild. that's when the flight attendant discreetly dropped an additional bottle of booze for each of us accompanied by a "you boys didn't see anything... but i sure hope you tell everyone how wonderful your flight w/ AIR TRAN was). *grin*

as we downed our remaining drinks we got to a personal level and discussed how he went to college just 1/2 hour from where i grew up, where i went to college (and DIDN'T finish college - he said the whole "incident" was "totally fucked-up"), and how we were going to have a BLAST this weekend away from home.

when the plane landed and we both stood up we glanced at each other with slightly shocked looks... words really didn't need to be said other than "man, i'm tipsy."

man i love AIR TRAN!

oh the places i've gone...

i'm back from chicago and have so many stories to tell that i'm kind of overwhelmed = ) here's a short taste of stories that will be written up this week:

the tipsy plane
the train of death
the train of death, part due
the old bum and the sauce
um... don't i know you?

just something for you all to look forward to! man, some of these stories are really good...

fah-q

last night i had beer bladder and had to go to the bathroom in the stall because several other guys had beer bladder at the same time.  

on the stall wall i saw "fah-q" written.  it took me a sec to figure out what it meant and then i caught it and like an epiphany is supposed to be, i laughed so hard that i pissed on the toilet seat.  = )

i can't say how pleased i am to see that bathroom stall vandals are FINALLY getting unique.  i mean... i always get a laugh when i see "here i sit all broken hearted..." but when i see something like "fah-q" it makes me proud to be a public stall user... i've been enlightned!

side note:  i'm leaving this afternoon for a 3-day trip to chicago.  vacation is greatly needed in my life so i'm getting up and leaving for a long weekend.  i'm not planning on bringing my laptop along to post so you may not hear from me till early next week.  but you should be used to that... nakachunkoff's personal universe has had a black hole lately that's been sucking all life energy from it  *grin*

have a good weekend!!!

fun with my hole

i bit the inside of my lip twice in two minutes this morning while eating a lowfat cranberry orange scone.  it hurt like a bitch, but now that the throbbing and searing pain has gone away there's a hole in my lip where i bit it.  it's actually really fun to play with it.

look!  my tongue is in my hole!

look!  now it's not!

he he - this is going to be such a fun day...

true mcdonald's story

the setup
me: hungry
mcdonald's lady: lunchlady-ish, old-ish, "i smoke 3-packs a day"-ish

the conversation
me: i'd like a #11 please.
ml: what kind of sauce would you like?
me: hot mustard please

(slapping packets on the counter)

ml: (loudly) HE LIKES HIS MUSTARD LIKE HE LIKES HIS WOMEN!
me: (feigning astonishment) wow! (chuckle) how'd you know!?!?

(pause)

ml: WELL... (dramatic deep breath) when you've lived this long you learn a thing or two.

wow... i can't wait till i'm older so i know what it's like to be uncannily smart.

WHITE!

EEEEKKKK IT'S SNOWING!!!

road trip!

bf and i went on a super-fab road trip this weekend. the trip went south of the twin cities to austin, mn where we visited the spam museum (yes, you read that right... the spam museum). we then went east to winona, mn, crossed the beautiful mississippi river, and went north on the scenic hwy 35 up the river. we stopped in alma, wi to look off of a cliff WAY up in the air (i was able to see up jesus' skirt), and then further up the road to wabasha, mn where we crossed over the grand missi-sip and up thru red wing, mn back to the twin cities.

we were on the road for probably seven hours total but saw some amazing land, beautiful trees, and... well... spam. = ) here are some pics from the top of the bluff in alma.

this is on top of the cliff looking down at alma and hwy 35. in the distance you can see the way too phallic power plant.

this is on top of the cliff looking down at the river and the lock and dam #4. the mississippi is full of locks and dams... that damn goldilocks, always gettin' aunt flow involved in every family dispute.

this is ME on top of the cliff. i look grumpy but i'm actually quite happy - i'm on a fabu road trip with my bf AND i just saw up jesus' skirt!

hmmm, it's that damn dam again. only this time there's two people that look like they're sitting on nothing and thinking about jumping. DON'T JUMP!!! NIAGRA FALLS IS SO MUCH MORE DRAMATIC!

ahhh, bf. everybody say "hi bf!!!"

hope you enjoyed!!!

eff-why-eye

work: i continue to use the middle stall here at work because it offers much-needed respite from my increasingly busy job.  this is the way i see it: to work more than my usual hours requires energy and stamina.  to gain that stamina and energy i must ingest coffee.  coffee makes me poop.  therefore, "middle stall" time should accurately be reported as overtime.  not like it matters though, salaried employees don't get paid for overtime.  how do i justify the two?  i bring personal reading in the the stall with me.  i report overtime and get in some reading at the same time.

grad school: they don't have a middle stall at school so, instead, i use breaks to call my bf to bitch and moan about the indian girl who sits next to me and picks her toe nails in the middle of class, slowly... creating... a pile... of ripped-off nails that gross the hell out of me.

bf: ahh, the bf.  so caring.  so understanding.  so forgiving.  so nice.  

other: you'll NEVER guess who i ran into the other day on the street... "cute bus guy"!!!  he recognized me right away and said hi.  he's still cute as before but has grown his hair out really long and has a beard now.  but i think he's straight... i mean... we ran into each other while bf and i were walking home after work the other day and if "cute bus guy" was gay he TOTALLY would have given me a dirty eye for walking around w/ a cute guy (bf).  i don't think he was jealous at all thus i think, sadly enough, that he's straight.

ok, i'm going to try to get this thing updated more often now... i'm sick of people bitching about my lack of blogging (you know who you are).